Once she lived

It's hard to be subject at bullying, especially as a kid. She was made fun of her looks so spend her teenage years in baggy clothes and hiding at her room after long day of being spat of. Teachers didn't do anything, mother cared about her younger sister only.

That's how postponing began. See, if there's nothing good in one's life, that person began hoping that everything will be better later. School will be finished one day. Maybe university be good place to dress like one wants and maybe even find some friends. Maybe cool job will be found.

Problem is that solitude changes character. Years of not speaking and hiding makes person shy. Being made fun of for almost decade makes person not trusting and skeptic.

life after stopping is kinda cool though. So many new experiences. Finding one's political views, style, music taste, movies... there's no end to the list.

Art of letting go

Since getting health scare I was thinking more than actual writing, although most of the time I wasn't exactly productive, more like contemplating on various things I always wanted to do and thought I will but actually never did. Probably it's no surprise that when person gets really sick, only then he or she starts actually acting.

I think humanity is sick as well. Scary how much cruelty is going on nowadays – Ebola virus and some stupid people letting infected ones from hospital, Russians being Russians again and attacking other nations, United States of America in general being stupid and cruel. Good thing that less and less people are reproducing. While aging is quite enormous issue of nowadays society with more and more elders being supported by just one working person with people polluting nature, killing earth other without any reason, security decreasing and social media taking over normal human relationships I believe it's good that at least people close to me will have no kids to experience it.

Happiness is small thing and sometimes it cannot be others. Recently moves out to new flat (finally after 8 months of sharing room with two guys I have my own room!) which is right next to beautiful park and I finally feel like I have place there in Brno. Even after more than year and half there were no real sense of stability before as I wasn't satisfied with my job and living arrangements and now it changed. As we spend most of out time in job and home I believe it's very important to adapt to our needs. I was lucky enough to finally find job I really enjoy and find a room I really like.

This summer was kind slow and quiet here in Brno with weather being unusually cold, windy and rainy. I can count sunny and warm days on my fingers (well, including toes), so there's no as much crazy memories as last summer. If last summer most of days were spend in the sandbox in main city square, this summer it was way too cold for that. Also, inevitable happened – most of people I spend my last summer with left the country. And making new friends is not easy task, especially for immigrant. Since I’m still learning language, I would say I still live in kinda social bubble with most of my friends being foreigners and well, some of then don't need stability that much. While one is young (s)he wants to see and experience as much as possible and sometimes I feel weird as I don't have such need. I like traveling and learning new stuff, but much slower. I don't seek replacement, maybe that's the reason I don't adapt very fast.
Recently I tried to watch more movies as before I spent lots of time reading books. Seems this summer is kinda slow for good stuff. Last good one is saw was 'The fault in our stars' and I will remember it as i'm not desperate to be remembered myself.

Jus some thoughts...

Once upon a time I was postponing everything in my life thinking that I will do it later. Until I realized sometimes it's too lite. Our experiences changes us as people and affects the way we think and act.

Not so long ago I had hardcore discussion (although I was more listening than speaking) with few friends about gays. It was even before Eurovision caused all the craziness. My opinion – what person does in his life and bed it's his or hers business as long as it consensual and doesn't involve underage people. I just honestly don't see point of demonstrating sexual orientation with parades and flags. It's almost the same with race – if person says 'i'm black and proud' he's considered brave, if he says 'i'm white and proud' it's considered a sign of racism. No. It's not that simple. As well as being part of majority doesn't imply hate towards minority. But minority now willing to part of society annoys some people. It always was like that.

When immigrants demands 'respect' it's request for special treatment most of the time. And respect is earned, not forced (most of the bosses fails to understand that). Request for special treatment is a sign of unwillingness to be part of something. Even as immigrant I observe it all the time – lots of people down there complains that locals don't speak English. Well, Czech republic is not England nor America and has it's own language. Get over it.

The fear

Spring is fully here and my health is not getting any better. It's been four months already and doctors gave up, so almost did. I just try to go out as much as i can to enjoy what life offers why i can. I feel i'm not the same i was few months ago.
Health scare is always scare, especially for foreigner. That was the moment that i realized i'm not adapted as expat yet. Communicating on medical issues is hard there even if it seams that doctor speaks english. My GP didn't even listen to me so i'm thinking about going home for week or so to get tested and healthier. I'm afraid that otherwise it might cost me job and friends and nobody wants to deal with person who is not well.
On the mean time i started getting into one totally czech thing - ice hockey. Apparently Kometa hockey club is big thing in Brno. I hear /read about people going over the top trying to get into Kometa play offs but never paid much attention until they got face to face with Sparta from Prague. As Brno and Prague loves each other like Vilnius and Kaunas i felt strong need to support Kometa. They did great until match with Zlin (they both are now in extraliga). Good thing they play until 4 wins, so i keep my fingers crossed.

Happy in Brno

Spring

So finally after 'winter' real spring started in Brno. Even first day was  properly sunny and warm. Now i cannot wait till it's will be possible to hide winter shoes and jacked deep deep in the closet and take out dresses and light jackets. Maybe even it'll be time for ice cream soon.
One thing in my mind right now is possible trip home. My health doesn't improve much after my stunt in hospital and it scares me that Czech doctors even refuses to listen what i'm saying. One i visited even created some diagnosis without even rising her eyes to me. So i'm thinking that maybe i should visit my homeland just to get better. It helped in the winter when i had some two months lasting virus no antibiotics could have helped. Docs says i'm just stressed.
Main reason of stress - my ex. Brno is quite small town and it's hard to avoid people especially if they are extremely clingy and has no friends. So my ex clings to mine. As result my social life become quite limited but also i realized who my true friends are. It's the one who supports me and is there not just for drinking company. Friendship is hard thing to maintain without effort.
In Brno is quite easy to find company to hangout but real friends are not so easy to find. Somehow only hospital brought me to that realization when i was dying from boredom and thinking a lot.

Right now i'm dealing with my addiction to buy new lip glosses and lipsticks. I got it almost all my life (well, at least since my teen years) and after i started working and getting some money it got worse. Now i have collection enough for 20 females. Worst thing is that i get several colors of each type i like. I have 4 of maybelline colorsensational cream glosses (one of my favourites), 4 of apocalips, and about 10 different colors of Essence lipsticks, both usual and longlasting (couldn't resist, they are very good and cheap). Not to count different random balms (i believe i could use different balm each day for few weeks). That's what poverty in childhood did to my spending habits... At least i overcome earrings buying mania. After my stunt in hospital spending money on stuff i don't need get a bit worse as i simply had some money saved. I don't spend so much nowadays as there's not much going on in town.
Actually i try to avoid town center because of Ukrainian mania. Since there;s quite a lot of ukrainian emigrants in Brno there's protests going on in Namesti svobody almost every few days. I try to stay away from that craziness as there's two topics to avoid - religion and politics - in order not to loose friends / make enemies. Although i spent some time explaining to friend that Crimea is historically Russian and referendum is not occupation. I think he processed it quite well, being smart guy. Others might not be.

Hospital

I just returned home after one awful week in St. Anne hospital. Not to share reasons why i ended up there, experience wasn't pleasant at all. Since i don't speak Czech very well (obviously), nurses plain ignored me most of the time although my level of expressing myself was perfectly understandable even for old ladies in the room who never heard English.
Thank whoever for good roommate who provided WiFi, so i didn't die of boredom and read more books (in my e-book reader obviously) than in last few years ( i counted that average was 500 pages per day). I even managed 3 Mary Poppins books (never read them before), 1001 nights and started Peter Pan.
Food was well... hospital food - bread bread more bread and some meat. I survived labopuncture and was completely unable to move for five days during whose nurses forgot me so i got food only few times. And was so bored i never was before. The only plus was my extremely good looking doctor.
Somehow i got  a feeling that czech doctors don't like foreigners in general, especially if there's need to communicate with them in other language than czech. Once i was shouted at in infection hospital while sent by my doc to get approval to work or not and told 'don't go to hospital without translator'. I almost felt need to apologize for being sick. In st. Anne nurses just spoke with me in very fast czech, so i had no chance to follow and later managed to install google translate app to communicate as i was the only side trying.
Worst part - boss has zero humanity or common sense so i was forced to go to workplace directly from hospital as it was demanded to bring sick leave papers exact same day. Colleague responsible for bringing documents to correct person managed to loose them on the way so i lost part of salary.
So hospital is over but i still feel so off that i act like old lady - work, come home, watch movies, knit and rest. Somehow just didn't have energy for anything else.